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| The hottest piece of ITK of the January window so far! |
| Written by Mike Hunt |
| Monday, 17 January 2011 19:51 |
 Just got off the phone to my source, asked him to fill me in on all the transfer goings on. He said that it would be difficult for him to do that seeing as he is a figment of my imagination. I told him that I felt an uncontrollable need to be adored by a bunch of people whom I don’t even know. He told me that just because I don’t know anything about what is going on behind the scenes at Spurs, there’s no reason why I can’t be ITK. He said that other than when Edgar Davids signed in 2005 and that time when that kid had his photo taken with Didier Zokora at the World Cup in 2006, no one has ever conclusively proved to have had inside knowledge of anything behind the scenes at Spurs at all and that if I’m smart, I can really make some waves in the world of ITK. He told me to follow his 25-point plan which goes as follows...
1. Always have the NewsNow feed up on your screen. As soon as a new transfer rumour appears in the ‘In the last 5 minutes’ section, go and post it on C.O.Y.S. as ITK. It doesn’t really matter where the rumour comes from, but may I recommend sport.co.uk, GiveMeFootball or TEAMtalk? They’re hardly ever wrong. 2. Take a punt on an existing rumour (just grab one off NewsNow) and say ‘it will happen’. Best case scenario is it will happen and you’ll look the shit. Worst case scenario is it won’t happen, but no one will remember you said it by the time the next transfer window opens anyway. Even if they do, you can just say that it was going to happen but the other club pulled the plug at the last minute. Not your fault. Oh yeah, never be afraid to say ‘done deal’... they fucking love that. 3. Always write ‘I’m not ITK and have never claimed to be, but...’ – that way you’re bullet-proof. 4. In January, always write ‘if it doesn’t happen in this window, it WILL happen in the summer’. Even if it doesn’t, they’ll have forgotten by then, so fuck ‘em. 5. If you’re new to ITK, write ‘has anyone heard this?’ at the end of your first piece of info. Your humility will ingratiate you to the megalomaniacal mods and will massage the egos of the established ITKs. Who knows, they might even adorn your profile with an official ITK badge – the Holy Grail. 6. Write out a list of players that Harry wants to sell. This is easily done as all you have to do is list all the players in the squad who’ve started less than five games so far this season. Easy peasy. 7. If you’re struggling to give a reason as to why you are privy to information, say that your wife/cousin/brother/civil partner’s best mate works for a company that deals with footballers on some level, no need to specify, be as vague as you want.  8. Tell them what Harry’s tactical plans are, e.g. ‘Harry wants us to be more expansive, with an emphasis on wide-play and with a more fluid forward line’... why wouldn’t you have access to that kind of information? Harry probably leaks that kind of stuff left, right and centre. 9. If you’re really keen on making a name for yourself, move to a country like for example... Spain, maybe to a city with a major European club in it, let’s say Madrid. Then all you have to do is buy a newspaper – Marca will do nicely – every day and post everything you read in it as your own ‘exclusive’ ITK. No one will ever rumble you. I mean, how are people in England going to have access to that kind of information? You may as well go the whole hog and name yourself after the city you live in. Foolproof. 10. This one’s always a good one to use just after a signing is announced: ‘I mentioned something about (insert name of player) in a PM the other day.’ This one was particularly useful in the last window when Rafael van der Vaart signed without a single ITK saying diddly-dick about him all summer. 11. Mix things up a bit with a bog-standard ‘(insert name of young player on loan at a lower league club) will be signing there permanently.’ It will probably happen and you’ll look awesome. 12. Say that you spoke to an agent/someone at the very top/Clive Allen at an under-17 game and they said that we’re looking at a player. Don’t say who, just give clues like ‘he’s a right-sided player’ or ‘he speaks French’ or you could even combine the two and then give them the name of his team, but make sure it’s some third-rate French team. I guarantee they’ll be on Wikipedia within nanoseconds trying to narrow down who it is. The fools. 13. Say that we are after someone amazing, a real ‘marquee signing’ (useful past examples include Edin Dzeko or David Villa). But then say that Man City, Real Madrid and Barcelona are also in the race. That way when he joins City, you can say that we were genuinely in the race for his signature even though we clearly weren’t. It worked pretty well with Torres when he joined Liverpool, so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it I say. 14. Say that your mate is an estate agent (and also a huge Spurs fan) and that he told you that Ashley Young has just bought a house in Hertfordshire. That one’s a winner. 15. Every now and again – just to keep them on their toes – say that nothing is happening. That way you’ll lower their expectations and they'll love you even more when you post your next piece of bullshit err... I mean info. 16. Say ‘It’s (insert name of player whom we're all fully aware is in talks)... we’re in talks’... as if you knew all along.
17. If you’re really struggling, just drag out one of the old classics like I dunno... Iaquinta, Reyes, Julio Baptista... erm... oh yeah, Veloso. They luuuurve Veloso because he’s scored three free-kicks which are all on his YouTube show reel, not to mention that he was linked with a move to AC Milan four years ago which means that he must be World class. 18. Write our ‘Top Targets’ in order of preference. For example:
You get the idea. 19. Say that Levy has flown out to wherever and is working throughout the night to push a deal through. Don’t worry; you can say it about two different deals for two different players being done in two different countries at the same time. They think he’s superhuman anyway, no one will notice. Don’t forget to mention that it is £5m up front with add-ons... you can’t go wrong with add-ons. 20. Say that a deal is done and dusted, terms have been agreed, the player wants to come BUT the other club could pull the plug at any time. This works particularly well with Man City players. No, I know that City will never do business with us, why would they? But Spurs fans love to think that we could sign Shay Given, so they’ll roll with it. 21. Say that we’re looking at a French/African player from an unnamed French team, no need to give a name. It’ll get them off your back for a while. 22. Use David Bentley whenever you run out of ideas (he's only on loan at Birmingham, so you can still get away with this one). You can...
23. Write cryptic clues that don't really make any sense. This will make you look the bollocks. If anyone complains about this, just have a hissy-fit and tell them that you don't want to say too much in case you put the deal in jeopardy and that they should be grateful to you for posting your info in the first place. If you really want to put them in their place, tell them that you won't bother in the future if you're just going to get abuse. Just pick up your ball, turn around and go home. 25. Choose your forums carefully. Always pick one that has some kind of quasi-religious code of conduct which exonerates all ITKs from any form of scrutiny or accountability. If you choose wisely, you'll be protected by stupid people who will rally around you at the first sign of trouble and make excuses for the fact that nothing you say has been or ever will be proven to be anything other than utter, dishonest, baseless, attention-seeking shash... in this respect this is much like when religious people say 'God moves in mysterious ways' whenever you point out that what they believe in is complete bollocks.Anyway, I’m off on holiday for two weeks and the BlackBerry will be switched off, so that’s all for now I’m afraid folks. Love me, love me... please love me. Find me on Twitter - @Mike___Hunt. Comment on this article here. Check out the discussion on our Main Board. Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites           |
